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|Monday, October 24th, 2005|
|Tuesday, October 18th, 2005|
|Friday, October 7th, 2005|
Write 20 Random Facts About Yourself, Then Tag The Same Number Of People As Minutes It Takes You To Write The Facts. If You're Tagged, It's Your Turn.
I was tagged!!!!
1. My boyfriend is super hot.
2. I am the president of a student organization called BACCHUS.
3. I am being edge for 3 weeks (well almost edge).
4. I will probably spend 200 dollars at H&M next week unless I only bring 100.
5. Shane is the name of my stuffed animal.
6. I dropped my cell phone in the toilet one time by accident.
7. I drink a lot of rum and diet cokes.
8. Someone no longer talks to me because I had sex in their virgin bathroom.
9. I can be negative but seem positive, so I guess it works out well.
10. Unfortunetly I ran out of underwear because I have been to poor to go do my laundry, i'm on my last pair!
11. I overanalyze and often come to no conclusions.
12. I do not have a favorite number.
13. I wish my boobs were bigger.
14. No I do not care about what people think, but yes I am still self-concious but somehow understand why.
15. I'm not sure what job I want to do for the rest of my life.
16. I will probably be student teaching in Ravenna.
17. I smashed a duck egg to see if something was living inside (I was right there wasn't).
18. Yes, I almost always mind if you smoke, especially if its right in my face.
19. I used to somewhat like cats until one certain persons cats ruined it all for me, basically most cats ruin everything except for snowy and smokey vals cats.
20. I am going to New York soon.
There it is, now I tag:
whoeverelse would liked to be tagged insert name here ________
|Wednesday, September 28th, 2005|
Yesterday night I went to a buffet with my boyfriend, and he ate so much that he had to throw-up. The pain was so intense that his eyes started to water (what some would call crying). I'm never taking him to a buffet again, although it was funny. (I did feel bad).
I still love him though, even if he has no self control sometimes, haha.
This is what is completely awesome (sarcasm), a few individuals who take everything I write or do on myspace as a malicious attack against them. First of all, those people either were never or no longer a part of my life. It is really stupid and doesn't effect me, but at the same time the amount of immaturity I have witnessed has been humorous.
I'm very happy and the people who accept that are awesome, and screw everyone else who has a problem with it.
|Sunday, August 28th, 2005|
|would'nt you like to know
There is no point in looking for all the answers, or is that the answer in the first place? Or is looking for the answers an answer? Finding all the answers could possibly change or alter...nothing.
I have to say I am pretty content. I feel more alive then ever, my life is pretty intense which is good. Going back to how it was before would be dull and far too mundane. No matter what happens at least I have felt that intensity, but feeling it forever would be something.
I drank beer last night. Poor life choice on my part. However, I am doing a fairly consistant job keeping all wheat (including breads), corn, and soy out of my diet. Today there was a beverage with caffiene that contained corn syrup which I had to consume. Because of the caffiene I could not resist. I can admit to everyone: I am addicted to caffiene. But aren't we all addicted to something no matter what form it may be? This is most likely irrelevant, and I am asking far to many questions for a saturday morning. I am sitting in my garage filled with lost memories and a deceased women's belongings. I have had a hang up with material objects lately. I don't need that ridiculous puzzle to remember my childhood. Granted there a things worth keeping from your past, but keeping every single thing possible just clutter up your life and shows you can't let go of something that will not ever return. It will remain in your memory however if it is significant enough. For every holiday throughout my life I have recieved large amounts of material items consiting of stuffed animals, clothes, toys, etc. etc. The most important things I have recieved from my parents or relatives are none of these objects. Sometimes I feel like my parents are so hung up on that stuff, more then whats important. I barely ever did anything with my family, which could be good or bad.
This dude in my garage just said "getting old is not for sissies." I would assume he is correct.
I am done rambling. Over.
|Thursday, August 11th, 2005|
|a cat almost killed my mom
I was laying down, enjoying a nice moment, until I looked to my left and saw the flat mutilated face of a white persian cat covering the whole screen of the t.v. This evil creature was about ready to enjoy some pre-packaged delight, probably known as fancy feast. What is so fancy about low grade meat. For some reason they had to make the commercial sensual as if this ridiculous animal needed to seduce the world in order to eat his crappy dinner, which he can no longer catch himself because he has lost innate ability to search and kill due to being spoiled by some crazy lonely person. I find long haired cats disgusting. They fail to groom or clean themselves properly and every substance sticks and balls up on the frizzy ends of their hair. Obviously persian and certain long haired cats were specifically created through selective breeding. Some moron deemed these creatures would serve a purpose just on esthetic qualities alone. However, what purpose does some lazy, long haired cat that has been bred to lay around in filth, unless groomed consistantly, and await each day for its fancy feast dinner serve. For some reason these cat commercials extremely put me in a foul mood every time I see them, and I am not sure why. But heres proof of the displeasing appearance of a long haired cat.
This picture is pretty self explanatory. This beast is just sprawled out and knocking a basket over, waiting to devour some package of fancy feast that comes the same time every day. I just can't take it. Current Mood: annoyed
|Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005|
|I have no clue.
Today I have nothing to write about. Why am I writing then? Most likely due to confusion, and to get at least some thoughts out of my head. My motiviation for this summer class is almost non-existant. Already I have a "C" average, and my decision to not read chapters or do homework is rather arbitrary. For instance, I know if I complete the set 1 problems for each chapter I could get an "A" on the tests. Now that I have sorted out that fact, I will be able to revert back to my normal study habits which I have done for basically the past 22 years of my life. To be honest though, lately I lack interest in whether my grades are up to par since December.
Sometimes I forget to live. Before December I was buried in everyone elses problems, issues, and commands. Basically, I did not feel alive. Whether, I got a C in a class or an A is not going to really matter in the long run if I can never be happy. There were far more important things I needed to work on at that point, during that winter, I ceased spending every moment of my life consumed with school, which contributed to a low grade point average. Luckily I can pull off not studying and still maintain above a 3.0. At the time I felt like a failure, but looking back on it I would never be who I am now.
My ex called me from the road. His departure has been a relief. We remain friends, but I barely even feel like thats what we are. Everything he says seems to have no value, personal integrety, or worth. So many people are just a shell, filled with everyone elses thoughts, opinions, and motives. Everything between us is superficial, I feel nothing. Knowing that you will always be there for a person no matter what, and they have never been there for you nor will ever, is just asinine. I will always listen if he needs to talk, but I will always remember he has never been there for me even as a friend. My sacrifices for him have been over for awhile, he can slowly drive himself into a grave. It just feels good that I can actually say that. I am often to giving to everyone. Luckily, these past few months I have gotten close to people who actually care about me. Some of these people I live with now, and we are moving out in a week which makes me somewhat down.
In addition to me thinking about what I need to do for school, I have been analyzing myself a lot these past few months. I have always had a strong head on my shoulders and can get through anything. If something skews my plans, or I come against a road block I have always been able to adapt to come out stronger then before.
I tend to be an open person, I will talk to anyone about anything. I just let two people in my house believing full heartedly that they were merely selling magazines to obtain points to go on a trip. They could have been robbers, murderers, but I knew they werent. Just because I can read this about people doesn't mean people don't lie, this may get me into trouble at some point. Sometimes I wonder if I am too trusting.
Though I am open about issues people ask me, sometimes when it comes to my feelings I have trouble opening up. This is a defensive measure most likely correlated with being fucked over by a lot of people. Sometimes I feel so much that I do not know what I am feeling. I often look emotionless. I can win something or loose and still maintain the same face. I have no clue where this came from, but I guess in a way its a gift. I guess I take everything how it is, and I am not usually too judgemental. People always feel safe talking to me. However, I realize this can probably get confusing but all in all in has been a safeguard for me basically my whole life. My inability to open up with feelings though may eventually fuck me over. I just do not know. I like to think about what I am feeling before I act, even though I have been impulsive lately. My impulsiveness is probably on a much lower scale then others.
So basically everything I've written has probably just made myself more confused and everyone who glances at this. I met someone who makes me alive. Its like when I'm with this person I am always intrigued, and I feel everything will be okay. I don't know what to feel because this has never happened. I will just leave this entry open, on that idea and go do my chapter set 1 questions before its too late.
|Friday, July 29th, 2005|
Boredom ensues as I take in the constant hum from the box fan attempting to keep my room cool. The time on my clock reads 9:28, which is inaccurate. For some reason I feel keeping 20 mintues ahead will ensure me timely arrivals and ahead of the rest of the world. Last night I had a drink and two shots of the monthly special, all of which I felt numb to. I watched everyone in a sober state and analyzed their speech, motor skills, and even motives. Alcohol definetly lowers inhibitions. I witnessed men of little physical attractiveness hoping to take some hot chick home and fuck her. The only reason they deem this possible is her inability to make clear decisions as well as their own, at least I hope.
While wearing his golf shirt, khaki shorts, and visor a married man attempted to hit on me. From the gold ring on his finger I inferred this information and became disgusted. Even the alcohol running through his bloodstream was not a sufficient excuse for his behavior.
After some time of sitting on a bar stool and blocking out my surroundings, my friend grabbed my arm and dragged me from my safe spot. Staggering and in a aimless attempt to keep her body posture straight, the irish beer in her plastic cup swirled around until it finally tipped over, staining my white shirt.
Getting two people who are blasted out of a bar is always a challenge. First you must watch two people at the same time, then make sure they both don't fall, which is most often inevitable. On the way home, I looked into my driver side mirror as one of the drunken individuals spewed out my window. While this was occuring a cop drove by, not even glancing at mess that just poorly polished my car.
I never intend to be that absorbed by alcohol. Right now I sit, still listening to the hum of my cheap fan, wondering what else there is to do tonight other then consume that lovely beverage that awaits me. Current Mood: blank
|Monday, July 25th, 2005|
I want to be cool like everyone and post pictures on my live journal. I figured it would be a nice alternative to writing paragraphs and paragrahps of thoughts. I used to take pictures frequently. However, due to time constraints and the breaking of my camera my production of photos is basically non-existant. I am by no means good at it, it is just something to do. So heres some I took a few years ago, just because.
Its a little out of focus.
This is one of my favorites, her name is bernie. She looks lost.
|Wednesday, July 20th, 2005|
|I could write about this forever: so heres a first entry on this issue
disclaimer: i am in no way writing this to degrate viewpoints, and I have not come to a conclusion on anything other then that I am here so i might as well enjoy the beauty of life to the fullest. I am not spell checking and did not edit, so sorry if you read this and their are errors.
What is life? Is there a point for existance to every living thing? Today I walked out in my backyard and witnessed the birth of chicks as they bobbed their tiny heads to crack the shell that has kept them safe and confined from the dangers of the world. This moment gave me a short relief from every insignificant moment that has drug me away from something as important as simply living in a moment. That short solace was quickly released, just as if someone had knocked the wind out of me, when I remembered that everyone and everything on this earth eventually erodes and dies.
Every philosopher can come up with entirely different visions on what the purpose of life is from camuses theory that people who choose to live are merely absurd heros, to thoreous views on reverting to the simplicity and beauty of the world. Possibly these differ from person to person because the human, born with a highly functioning brain that is able to critically process information unlike any other species on earth, possesses their own character and attitude. Everyone, whether it be through their surroundings or innate abilities, can come to an entirely different conclusion on just about any theory, idea, feeling, or emotion. Scientists can hypothesis the beginnings of the planet and life through fossil records and preists or monks can attribute the divine existance of the universe and earth to an almighty being.
Though logically faith derives from not understanding the facts, or a way to instill moral values, which many eventually resorted to use to control populations through supremecy. Faith is a way for many to find solace in a world that is harsh and not always easy. Biblical references are just stories written almost metaphorically to teach some, not all universal morals. Though many of these stories may teach not to kill or harm, some of the ideas blantently have not transceded through time; hence the need for revisions. So the existance of "god" or any diety for that matter is soley in the individuals eyes.
Furthermore, searching for absolute truth may very well be unneccessary. No amount of science or any diety may unlock the answers to all the questions about life. Since much of life on this planet has certain biological purposes that perpetuates the conintuence of its existance as well as others in the corresponding enviornment that purpose is more clear. However, a philosophical purpose is vague. Current Mood: awake
|Monday, July 18th, 2005|
|oh by the way....
I probably should have added to that last entry that:
I drink too much.
|Sunday, July 17th, 2005|
|Some random thoughts, and fragmented ideas about me by me
I am allergic to wheat, corn, soy, and basically all nuts. I am also allergic to grasses, trees, dogs, cats, and more. I just found this out and I am 22, so I have been walking around in pain my whole life.
Unfortunetly this means I can't have my two favorite things, beer or pizza.
My second dog was cremated and now resides in a can located in our china cabinet.
I can not drive safely while listening to music like the mars volta or jeff buckley.
I like boys, a lot.
Whenever I meet a nice or amazing guy I usually fuck it up somehow.
I have a weakness for musicians.
I am usually a mess in the morning, I like the nights.
Driving to new places or just driving for hours relieves my boredom.
I like going to cemtaries.
I can not sleep in hotel rooms.
When fact is derived soley from opinion I become very irrated.
Ignorant, non-empathetic, and boring people tend to annoy me.
Creative, passionate, interesting, and humble people keep my interest.
I think its important to understand everyones point of view, even if you don't agree with them.
I can seem quiet sometimes, if I am in a strange mood or have nothing to say I won't. I just observe my surroundings and listen.
I have become un-motivated this past year.
|Monday, July 11th, 2005|
|Impulsiveness: my formerly obscured trait
I feel like my life has been turned upside down and everything is out of order. No longer do I feel the need to sit back and watch moments pass, constantly wondering "what if". For this reason I have become impulsive. I see no bad decisions, only a chance that I can take. Most likely I am drained from the monotomy of each day and need a change to regain my own sanity. Therefore, the past two weeks I have met some truely amazing people, just from getting my ass out of my familiar surroundings. The people I have come across, no matter how short the passing of words and events, have inevitably made some sort of impact.
I feel a freedom from what everyone else wants me to do; I do what I need to do. Bad decisions or good, it's all part of the experience. Current Mood: contemplative
|Sunday, June 26th, 2005|
I never want to be anything like my mother. Though she has sacrificed a lot to raise my brother and I, she possesses many qualities that have made life difficult. Staying at home for a few weeks was stressful at times. I forgot what it was like to try to fall asleep to your parents screaming battles.
The reason she is unhappy is soley her responsibility. She chooses to blame everything and everyone around her. Existing around a human that is that unhappy poses many hardships. Any little thing can set them off and trigger an argument. She can glare at you and make you feel like you are nothing and a horrible person. I have never come across a person so cold and empty.
Happiness is ultimately a result of ones actions and attitude. I've realized, through my mother, who I don't want to be. Current Mood: calm
|Wednesday, June 15th, 2005|
|the commencement of insanity
Empty. All I have to look forward to another day of nothing. The point to this entry may very well be non-existant or just some fragment of my imagination. Months ago I swear my life was in order, or I just wanted to believe that the path was set and ready for me with all the signs pointing in the right direction. One sign pointed towards getting a degree, then the other towards a sucessful career, then marriage, etc. The truth is I don't want to follow the signs but external pressures make me feel I have to complete the steps as designed. The pressure creates an indifference which transcends through every aspect in my life.
Because I have nothing better to do then sit here, due to my lack of mobility, my brain forces me to ponder and process every detail about my life. I am indifferent because the external forces ultimately make my choices, even if I think they are my own. The uncovering of this could create tension, but in the end I need to take chances - create my own path. Current Mood: lonely
|Monday, June 13th, 2005|
|Friday, June 3rd, 2005|
|two vicodin chased with a shot of pepsi
The chemical is hydrocodone the drug is called vicodin. Days run together and thoughts find their way back in fragments. Numbness slowly creeps through my veins until I can't feel the pain anymore. Only four days of using this drug and I can already tell how it can ruin lives. Receptors to any type of feeling are blocked. I have about half a bottle left and I try to take as little as possible. I took two about an hour ago and can finally rest again and my mind is at ease. The pain would be excruciating without it considering they made an incision near my knee to dig out a screw and then attatch a whole new ligament by drilling through my bones. Luckily this time it is not excessively seeping fluid, its only swollen and has a mishapen form like some one pumped some air into my knee.
The surgery went smoothly. The night before I went under the knife I had a vivid dream. I was laying on the table and I slowly began to regain conciousness. I screamed "why am I awake?" I looked down to my knee to see a huge vertical incision and then another incision horizontally aside my leg. If I hadn't been through knee surgery this dream would have put me into panic, but I remained calm and soon forgot the dream.
When I woke up from the anethetic I swear I heard the word "amputation". For some reason the nurse didn't say anything about how the surgery went so in my groggy state I waited awhile, until I could take the suspense no longer. I finally asked her to find out everything went well, and I probably just mispercieved a similar sounding word.
I just heard a noise from downstairs, like a board hitting the floor, then it sounded like glass shattered and all the remains hit the ground at different times. My brother is down there and all I could picture was him laying on the ground with blood oozing from his wounds. Due to my immobility I don't know what I would do. I went over to the door and found out he just hit his head on the microwave and knocked a bunch of quarters to the ground. My mind flashed back to when he hurt himself as a toddler. He was on the chair with my dad at my grandmothers apartment. The aparment had those chincy wood paneled walls. The reclining chair my dad and brother were sitting on was burnt orange and felt like velcro. My brother was always hyper and started moving around the chair when suddenly he fell off and we heard a clank. My dad picked up my brother from behind the chair. His forhead looked like how a grape looks when you peel just a little of the skin back then let go. There was a slight dent, and behind that was tinted a purplish red. Then I remember the blood, bright red starting to come out of every vein and capillary in that injured portion that the corner-floor-vent destroyed. We had to take him to the hospital and he was so unruly they had to but him in restraints just to put the stitches in his head. I am just glad he didn't hurt himself again.
Currently I am becoming somewhat bored. My roomates came to visit my the day after my surgery which was really nice to talk to people other then my parents. I really do miss all of them a lot. Val came and visited me today and we watched shows from our childhood that are rerun during the day. I am reading a book called Jesus's Son, which is about drug addiction - i know, so fitting for the moment. Though I like to be alone and can keep myself occupied, being confined to one area does start to drive you a little insane. I admit I get somewhat lonely sometimes, but then I just pick up a book and everythings alright. Current Mood: apathetic
|Sunday, May 29th, 2005|
My restlessness is starting to drive me insane. Its the kind of restlessness where I jump from one activity to another, but fail to focus on one thing. Sleep has not come easy the past couple nights. I find it easier to either be around people, or drown myself in the pages of a book. I need something to keep me occupied, because I can't sit still. I tend to be a hyper person, and usually do not lay around all day anyways; however being restless is totally different. You are not just hyper, you are anxious.
Mostly this is in part to my last rough semester and life is starting to settle down. Having to have my third knee surgery on tuesday does not help either. I know perfectly well what to expect since I have been through it before. It still makes me anxious though. Being pent up for a week or more with my parents should be rather interesting and obnoxious. I will be confined to the couch for the week with no escape. I just always get bummed out whenever I have to have a surgery because it just takes a lot out of you. No, it is not that bad and things could be way worse. Therepy is just a ton of work and some pain, which I can handle. Current Mood: restless
|Monday, May 23rd, 2005|
So I have realized I have written a ton of journal entries. The disorganization of my livejournal somewhat irritated me so in the midst of my restlessness this evening I delted insignificant or boring entries in which I complain about something stupid or just make no sense what so ever. I try not to gossip too much about people on here, but it happens. If I hear something constantly or someone is bothering me I tend to share my feelings. So here is the new exciting version of my journal, with even more nonsense then before.
Because I am so used to doing something every minute of the day I am thrown off guard at the completion of spring semester and my school job. I am unable to hold a job this summer and even though I am enjoying myself, I am becoming restless - especially today. I think I have just been sleeping too much and had a rough weekend.
Today I drove around for about 3 hours. I visted my grandpa at the cemetary because I haven't in years. This past weekend I made a trip to my dad's hometown to visit a relative. Seeing my great aunt on the brink of death dug up some past feelings. The grandpa I visited today died in `92 and one of my grandma's related to my great aunt ethel died in 2000. My Grandma's illness was horrible because it slowly detiorated her mind. Each time I would go visit her she would be less aware of the world around her. The worst was when she could't remember anyone and then just completely lost touch. Her death was not a shock but just a sad reminder of what happens when you reach that age. My dad would go and visit her all the time, and one time I went I had to watch him feed her - the hardest thing I have ever had to sit through. I can vividly remember this moment.
The past weekend was just morbid. After seeing my great Aunt we went to the cemetary. My grandma and grandpa are buried there. I tried to distract my self from this because it makes me so sad, and angry at the same time. I never met my grandpa because he decided to take his life in that very cemetary next to his first wife's grave. I just got an eerie feeling when standing next to that headstone. I had to walk away and displaced myself from the situation by looking at the sculptures on some of the older graves. Cemetaries are haunting but somewhat serene at the same time. My encounters with the dead and the dying these past few days have just put me in a strange mood that I have yet get out of. Current Mood: anxious
|Sunday, May 22nd, 2005|
|The cost of riding the Metro Bus
White, with purple and red stripes that jet horizontally across, the Metro Bus takes people where they need to go. While driving along you may pass these massive vehicles frequently, but fail to acknowledge their prescence. Because they are so common people often do not notice them. How many people do you know that have actually ridden the Metro Bus?
Well, back in the day I found joy in riding the Metro. To me the Metro was not just a bus - it signified freedom. A freedom from the confinements of a humdrum town and the freedom from the strict reign of conservative parents.
Upon my entrance into the 9th and 10th grades I became somewhat rebellious. Naturally I am a humble and content person. My struggle for autonomy during my teenage years however, somewhat backfired on my parents' high standards and goals. Not aloud to do barely anything really made me angry and want to go against my parents will. So other then the occasional alcohol and streaking fests at the Portage Lakes Career center what else was there to do?
That is when we came across the Metro Bus on a warm beautiful summer day. As usual me and my evil twin at the time, KT, where hanging around the P.L.C.C looking for some trouble when the Metro Bus slowly rolled in waiting to pick up people that weren't there. In awe we watched the sun reflect off this public form of transportation and peered into the tinted windows wondering where this vehicle could take us and the cost it would be to escape. The cost ended up being a little more then we bargained for.
Though it was about a dollar to ride a month of solitary confinement was well above our price range. Had we known that our rides into the middle of downtown Akron and Lockhead Martin would end in agony I am not sure we would have made the step onto the bus and sat in the overused plush seats. At the time it was well worth the risk because we were far away and could do whatever we pleased.
One day we decided to do what would petrify our parents, ride to Cascade Plaza in the center of Akron. We went to a bunch of stores, walked around the Cascade, bought some nail polish, and stared at people. All in all it was a good day, but we forgot to keep track of time. We hurried onto the Metro to take us back to the P.L.C.C. We told our parents we were at Val's and would go shopping that day. So when it became late they must have panicked. If we would have arrived at K.T.'s house five minutes earlier we would have been safe. However, I was running like being chased by a mass-murder just to make it home. K.T. on the otherhand became tired and gave up. She always had a tendency to get me into trouble. So all hell broke loose when my mother called Val's house to find out we weren't there. I didnt get grounded forever, but my mom watched me like a hawk for quite awhile. My innocence consoled her that it was just a mistake. However, that was the least of my troubles that summer. The P.L.C.C. became grounds for more trouble the next year which basically ruined my whole 10th grade year. That story is for another time though. Current Mood: amused